Be All My Sins Remembered

Jealousy

2012-01-27T09:17:00.007-06:00

I spent most of my first long-term relationship in a foggy haze. He was possessively, over-archingly jealous. Of everything. Every moment, every movement, every feeling, every word, every touch. This devolved into essentially verbal/emotional abuse. I was controlled; my life revolved around his mood, around the schedules and elaborate routines set up to keep him happy. Coming out of this? I cannot abide by jealousy. It sends me running for the hills. It backs me up against a wall with claws out. (Those may seem contradictory, but they're not. If the easiest way to deal with your jealousy is to leave you behind, that's what I'm going to do. If you're worth fighting it through for, then you better believe I'm going to have something to say about it and we're going to be having us some words.)

It leaves me wondering why we get jealous of/about people we love so much. No, that wasn't a rhetorical question. Why be jealous? He tried to evoke jealousy in me, and failed, then pointed it out as another shortcoming of mine. I loved Peter, blindingly so. He was mine; I had his love and affection (such as it was), I trusted him. I wasn't quite sure what he wanted me to be jealous of.

I'm also left wondering if I'm unfair. I have a friend with benefits and if push comes to shove, when it comes to jealousy he will be left behind if he doesn't find a way to stem it. It may not be a traditional relationship, but he has no doubts that he is important to me, that I value his time and friendship, that I enjoy the time I spend with him, and he gets 100% of my attention when I'm with him. Why is he jealous of my other friendships? In this case I do mean friendships, close non-sexual friendships I have with other men I've known for 10+ years. (I have a small circle of "gamer friends" as I call them. We're all intertwined, and I've known them all for about 15 years since my mid-late teens, and am very close with some of them, and they're all guys because back then other female gamers barely existed.)

I guess it's a segue to my recent thoughts on being polyamorous and the justifications people make, and that's why I thought of my favorite pirate captain. Those will have to wait.

The Hazards of an Oral Fixation

2011-11-21T16:43:00.002-06:00

As kids, we always made it a point to "sharpen" our candy canes to then use as weapons against our siblings and friends. Delicious, delicious weaponry.

Talk Like a Pirate Day

2011-08-29T13:15:00.002-05:00

Are you excited?
I'm excited!
September 19th, it's almost upon us...

Love ... and the finding of Friends with Benefits

2011-07-24T02:41:00.005-05:00

Strange topic, I suppose, given the fact that all I'm interested in right now is a friend with benefits. I'm told the "proper" term is fuck buddy, but friend with benefits sounds so much nicer. ;)

One of my good friends just got engaged. It seemed to me to happen rather quickly, and while I know he cares for her, I finally had to ask one day if he really loved her. His answer surprised the hell out of me.

"Do I love her? Yes. Am I IN love with her? No. Does she know that? She suspects she loves me more than I do, but she will be taken care of and loved and have everything she wants/needs."

Culturally, there's a gap between us. But even still, I have to admit I was a bit appalled. Whatever my view of sex, I've always had very narrow, I suppose cherished views of love. I really had to think about love, and my last 3 (and my only 3 long-term) relationships. All 3 failed miserably, by the way. ;) It made me question whether I've truly ever been IN love.

My last 3, I was chased. I know it sounds odd, but it is what it is. I am affectionate, outgoing and comfortable with people. Still, you can come this far and no farther. (If that makes sense.) I will be open with you and tell you things, but it doesn't mean you'll know ME, or be important to me, or even be interesting to me. I think most people are this way, but I guess it presented somewhat of an air of challenge. I really don't know, I'm not really the type worthy of being chased.

Still with all 3, I ended up in love after being worn down. All 3 were friends first, all 3 were very persistent, and with all 3 at some point I realized my resistance had melted and something stronger than friendship had crept in. I figured it was love. :)

Is it weird to be questioning this? Does it even matter? Hell I broke up with Peter over a decade ago. My divorce has been finalized now for over a year from...who cares it's over and done with.

The only person I can really think of in terms of Love ... well he technically started this blog with me and then disappeared. He's good at that. He floats in and out of my life, as his life ebbs and flows and so long as his wife doesn't notice, heh.

I was very in love with him my senior year of high school - and I've never met him. I wonder, and I think he still does too, what might have happened had he not gotten the call that the girlfriend he'd left was pregnant. He did the "right thing" and married her. (Yeah, sound familiar?) Hence the blog name, actually. He knocked his GF up, I got knocked up. It was an ode to Ophelia, and the notion she was pregnant.

I know that if we were ever within an hour's drive of each other, I don't care how old he is, how old I am, that either or both of us are/would be married, what either of us would then look like, none of that would matter. I fully expect I'd be naked and waiting for him on a hotel bed somewhere.

Then again, that's probably lust and the follies of youth speaking. ;) I haven't thought of him much recently, so kind of funny my thoughts of love brought him to mind.

It's time to replace one of my FWB. The fact that I've been having sex dreams about a good friend of mine on a fairly regular basis (who would make a good FWB partner, since we would be a HORRIBLE romantic couple, but then again we'd never sleep together because I find him rather intimidating), that fact tells me it's time to find someone to take the place of those who have tried and failed so miserably. ;)

Life.

2011-04-02T01:43:00.002-05:00

Someone emailed me to tell me I haven't blogged in awhile.
This I know.
Because...I have no life. :D

Maybe someday soon I'll have something worth writing about. ;)

Semi AWOL.

2010-09-07T01:31:00.002-05:00

I haven't been around much...mostly lurking. I will be having some major surgery in exactly one week, so I may not even be able to lurk for awhile. So I leave this here in hopes all my blogger friends have a good back-to-school/fall/Halloween/Thanksgiving/holiday season - whatever holiday that may entail. Hopefully I'll be posting again before Christmas. :)

Tickled my funny bone.

2010-08-10T22:21:00.003-05:00

Real life rears its ugly head!

2010-08-04T00:42:00.003-05:00

Guess what! I was driving home from a late night trip to the store, foot to the pedal and blaring music. Isn't that crazy? So unlike me. Wow, I'm appalled at myself. ;) I was listening to a song that I like, but never quite "got". It's on a mix CD I have of all sorts of random songs. Well this particular song hit me tonight, and hit me hard. (It's a good thing the cop already had someone pulled over.)

What I need now is an honest answer to make things better.
You can see now, my hands are tied and I surrender.
So I'll wait here for your final answer.

I'm thinking of one person in particular. A person who reads this blog, but sporadically and usually only to see if I've gone to see Sam so he can ignore me for a day or two. Someone who won't even realize I'm talking about him.

/rant

Meme: Books (AKA: I'm too poor for an MP3 player. ;)

2010-07-31T21:40:00.005-05:00

I stole this from Bonnie! However, since I'm not cool enough to own an iPod of any sort (or any other, much better mp3 player because I am NOT an Apple FanBoi), I changed it to books. Thought it might be fun.

The last 10-20 books you read, regardless of how much you want to say, "Shoot, my non-existant image is going to suffer when they find out I have a secret love of Judith McNaught..." ;)

This list is hopefully semi-accurate. I based it on my faulty memory and the precarious tower of books on my headboard, and the ones stuffed into the nooks and crannies of my bed. The last few books I've read (* if it's one I'm in the process of reading):

Crystal Cave, by Mary Stewart
The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, by Stieg Larsson*
True Blue, by David Baldacci
Something Wonderful, by Judith McNaught
Almost Heaven, by Judith McNaught (Teehee I accidentally typed McNaughty)
Paradise, by Judith McNaught
Harper Hall Trilogy, by Anne McCaffrey
The Winged Seed, Li-Young Lee
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West, by Gregory Maguire*
The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes, by Diane Chamberlain
The Southern Vampire Series, by Charlaine Harris
Killing Floore, by Lee Child
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?, by Philip K. Dick
Conqueror's Moon, by Julian May (I am trying once again to get into this series...I feel I HAVE to since she's one of my favorites.)

I read all of the Vampire books in less than 3 weeks, if that tells you how much "substance" there is to them. Not to say I didn't like them, or I would havestopped after book 1. After reading the Twilight series, it was nice to read books not quite so angsty. But I realized after reading them that I read far too many blogs. Someone had told me they had lots of "naughty" scenes. After reading them I was disappointed. THAT was lots of naughty scenes? Kind of ironic.

If your husband ever finds out!

2010-07-26T22:34:00.003-05:00

I found this while playing around with Google images. It wasn't what I was looking for, my key words were actually *cough* something of a geekink, but this cracked me up. I don't even know what "store-testing" for fresher coffee is. I just love that this was an advertisement. (Or supposedly it was.)

I also love his suspenders. For some reason, they're kind of sexy. Either that or I really need some sleep.

Words of Wisdom.

2010-07-21T22:10:00.003-05:00

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye."
- Miss Piggy

I was thinking today about self-worth, self-esteem, self-image - all those fun "self" words. How so often it's tied (unfortunately) to how others view us. Makes it a bit the opposite of self-worth. I was lounging around this morning with my daughter. Peeking above the top of my pajama pants, you could the long, slender scar from my vertical c-section.

She touched it and asked me (again), "Does it hurt Mommy?" I reassured her it didn't, and she said, "You're so beautiful Mama."

Can't argue with the wisdom of a 3-year-old.

Cheesin' it up!

2010-07-20T00:38:00.005-05:00

Take me as I am, I'm not broken.
Pieces of my life are not tokens.
I want to let you know that I'm still learning,
How to love again and stop hurting.

I want to roll my darkness into a million suns.
I need to find forgiveness, when all the pain is done.

I was going through a monstrous stack of CDs tonight, and found a few mixed CDs. Love this cheesy Tonic song. I LOVE cheesy songs. Life + cheese = goodness. This particular song struck a chord with me tonight. The other day in casual conversation, a friend referred to me as broken.

What, seriously? Perhaps I have baggage, but broken? My guess is he finds all people who partake of anything he would consider kinky to be broken, personally. I'm not sure, it just stuck with me. I don't need sympathy, or pity, or someone to "fix" me. (Although if I find someone up for curbing my night owl tendencies, I may negotiate with that. ;)

That is all. ;)

The one who taught me how to accept spanking.

2010-07-17T18:40:00.002-05:00

When I was a freshman in college, I was in a love/hate relationship with my "kinky light" side. I desperately wanted to learn more about spanking, but I was ashamed of the desire, I suppose. I ventured into a spanking chatroom, where I met Hrbrusher.

How apropos. He's the only one I still talk to from that time. I was a confused teenage ball of angst. I can NOT have been much fun to deal with. However I very much respected him, and we were alike in some ways, and we had a quasi-relationship online for awhile. His various crazy-as-hell wives sort of put a crimp in that. (He has finally settled down with a lovely woman I actually feel a bit protective of.)

At some point, I need to tell him thank you. Not easy to do since our relationship tends to be love/hate itself, with a heavy tinge of sarcasm and brattiness, especially knowing he can't touch my ass. He made me feel normal, enough so that I later addressed the issue with my boyfriend enough for a short but memorable belt spanking.

When I later came crying on his shoulders because a boyfriend basically thought I was a freak, he once again made me feel normal. Isn't it wonderful to have people like that around?

I CAN follow instructions!

2010-07-09T00:39:00.005-05:00

What a lovely outcome. :D The idea came from these instructions: custom spanking paddle.

If anyone wants simple directions (my version):

Find a piece of clip-art or basic shape you like and print it.
Cut the design out, and trace it onto a ping pong paddle.
Using a sharp knife, cut the design out. Take the rubber part off, and spend 10 minutes getting the yucky foam padding junk off.
Admire your handiwork.

Pirates are a fetish?

2010-07-08T22:16:00.003-05:00

Ok, I love pirates. Sort of. I love the "new" pirates. The ones that are sexy like Johnny Boy and the ones that are cute like my pirate rubber ducky.

I was rummaging around on FetLife for the first time today. I can't truly create a profile, but I thought I'd poke around. Apparently pirates are a fetish? Is that possible? Or do just tons of people like pirates, like me! I'm trying to imagine what would entail a pirate fetish...

Oh well, it was just the beginning of many fetishes that had me going, "Huh?" I guess I've a lot to learn tonight. :D

Going...going...gone.

2010-07-08T00:45:00.002-05:00

I'm a bit at odds with myself. We've been on a vacation of sorts, and it involves lots (and lots) of family and wholesomeness. Also lots of "down time" for me in which there's nothing to do but read, play on my laptop and if it weren't so blasting hot outside it would have been lovely to spend some time on the deck. I've been reading lots of blogs, baking lots of goodies, I finally started on "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo".

But damn-it, there are ping pong paddles everywhere you look. I suppose not so surprising considering they have a ping pong table. And there's an oar-type thing in yonder corner (ah, yonder, I must be losing it). AND I am most definitely ovulating. I feel like a writhing, seething bundle of sexual tension and gripped with the strongest desire for a paddling I've had in a long time, and I'm surrounded by the crazy over-the-top wholesomeness that is my huge extended family.

Shoot me. Actually there are so many words that I would like to replace shoot with, but I just can't bring myself to write them at the same desk my (insert relative here) prepares his sermons at.

The Eyes of Someone Else

2010-07-05T02:27:00.003-05:00

(2:26:21 AM) K: you don't need someone who accepts kink
(2:26:29 AM) K: you need someone who makes it unnecessary

The Onion

2010-01-08T13:25:00.001-06:00

This one cracked me up: Nation's Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau of Masochism reports.

Though disconcerting to many, the Masochism Bureau's findings regarding nipple-abuse were not unexpected. Hooded sources confirmed the cruelty of erotically charged acts has dropped sharply in the past decade, which has also seen declines in the overall use of bondage gear, the tightness of leather harnesses, and the number of instances of naked, dominated citizens screaming out in delight while being flogged repeatedly against the hindquarters.
The use of hot, ripe eggplants has also reportedly fallen off.nipples

One of those nights.

2009-10-01T02:23:00.004-05:00

My breasts ache a bit, for the first time he tried some rope bondage. (First time we've used rope, he's always used something else and more impromptu.) An interesting way to slide back into things considering we'd not seen each other for almost a month with all the business going on. Pushed some borders and boundaries, was a good visit. I should blog more about it when I'm not so tired.

But this is what caught me tonight as I was getting ready to go to bed. I asked my friend if I could just text him because I wanted to go lay down.

(3:12:54 AM) Joey: don't call me, i can't really reconcile you with what you do with your buddy. the dirty things you share together are the ind of things you share with someone you're in a relationship with

There are maybe 5 people who know about my relationship with Sam. I'm rather careful who I tell, for obvious reasons, and a bit frustrated I missed the mark with this friend. A bit disheartening overall. I'm not up for being judged tonight.

Hope all my friends in blogland are doing well, and that I read happy/fun/wanton/crazy/sexy blog posts when I catch up on my reading tomorrow.

Moodiness

2009-09-12T10:53:00.001-05:00

I was thinking about love. I was wondering if I'm selfish, not necessarily in physical aspects of love, but in other ways. The whole hyped-up idea of true love, where you give all of yourself to someone, let someone know all of you.

I was imagining someone knowing me, finding all the pieces, and leaving, telling me I was too broken to fix. My MIL was talking (on the way up) about children of sexual abuse basically being broken, and never really able to be fixed. Obviously she has no idea, but the thought stuck with me, I suppose. Rather melodramatic of me.

I have a friend who looked me up after close to a decade, and I have to wonder if he's disappointed in what he's found. I am definitely a different person, a much different person than I was.

Sans Internet

2009-09-09T23:21:00.001-05:00

You don't realize how much you rely on the internet for everyday things...until you don't have it! Apparently living in the middle of nowhere has drawbacks. Who knew?

I had to call up my Grandma for a recipe, actually get directions from the store I was going to. I had to call GOOG 411 instead of looking it up online. I had to pay a bill by...SNAIL MAIL. What has become of me?!

I am visiting "the ex" in preparation for li'l one's party. It's really frustrating at times, when he does something and I think, "Damn, that was who I knew. That was who I loved."

2009-08-23T01:05:00.001-05:00

Dance a cachuca, fandango, bolero,
Xeres we'll drink - Manzanilla, Montero.
Wine when it runs in abundance enhances
the reckless delight of that wildest of dances!

He was tying my hands up, when he told me, "Don't pull. The harder you pull, the tighter the knot." That's like a "Wet Paint" sign...you just have to. It's not an option. So now one of my wrists is a little sore. What I really wanted to do was see how hard it would be to get out of. I imagine with a little creativity and persistence, it is possible. I resisted that urge, though.

I left quite satiated, so I can't complain.
I wonder what his neighbors think.

Flourescent Handcuffs

2009-08-14T12:08:00.001-05:00

I was in Claire's (don't ask), and I saw neon, fluorescent handcuff jewelry.
First of all - please don't bring the neon jewelry back. Second - neon handcuffs? Yuck.

Pleasant

2009-08-01T20:12:00.001-05:00

Little one and the babysitters (aka Grandma and Grandpa) are fed. The dishwasher is running in the background. Laundry is done! I just got out of the shower. Things would be going smoothly if I could convince li'l one not to get stark naked every time I leave the room. :D

I was on my knees in the shower in a leapfrog position, letting the water run down my back. It was actually rather pleasant. All I could see was waves of wet, black curls and a rubber ducky decal with sunglasses staring at me from under an inch of clear water that smelled like my favorite pomegranate soap. Pleasantly reminiscent of my all-time favorite retired soap from Bath & Body Works, Red Currant and Thyme Tea. I wish I wasn't too tall to take an actual bath, and I wish they hadn't discontinued that damn soap.

Oh well. Feeling refreshed and about to leave. Wonder if anything interesting will happen tonight.

Tasty Concoctions

2009-07-28T12:50:00.001-05:00

Open the bra to reveal...Gizmodo (click the link, you know you want to!)

Arrrr!

2009-07-27T13:35:00.001-05:00

I'm a pirate.
That is all.

No Take-Backs

2009-07-25T02:41:00.000-05:00

Less than 15 minutes after I got there tonight, I was laying naked on the bed blindfolded. This is no small feat, because (oddly enough) I hate being totally naked. The vertical incision from my c-section coupled with the scattered scars from the emergency surgery a week later...well, I sometimes feel like the area from my breasts to my stomach is a war map. I am incredibly, terribly self-conscious about it.

Well, I didn't think about that for long. He clamped my nipples and used a light slapper (I assume, since I was blindfolded) to spank my inner thighs and other more sensitive areas. He placed a piece of ginger to my clit, and I had no idea at first what it was...until I felt incredibly warm. It didn't burn, I just felt hot. That was, until I was laying face down with my ass in the air, the not-so-little ginger plug being pushed into my ass. Damn...it was there virtually the whole time tonight and did I ever feel it. At first I smiled to myself, thinking, "Wow, this I can handle. It's not so bad."

It wasn't long before the, "Fuck, what did I get myself into?" squirming started in earnest. It didn't help that he pushed my ass together frequently and in-between spanking me. Honestly I could barely concentrate on the spanking.

Whoever said blindfolding heightens other senses, well it doesn't apply to me. I didn't notice he'd walked around the bed until his cock was in my mouth. I've never been so grateful to give oral sex, something else to focus on other than the increasing burning sensation, to the point that I almost whimpered when he returned to spanking me.

My friend asked me about it last week, and I said I didn't think it was much of an aphrodisiac, as I'd heard. Well...I take that back. Thankfully, before I got to the point of begging him to fuck me, he obliged. The ginger stayed in, but I didn't notice as much, considering I was practically begging him to fuck me harder. (I didn't, thankfully. I have to save something for later, right? ;)

I felt it the entire drive home, having been thoroughly fucked, spanked and...well, is figged the appropriate term? I think gingered is funnier. My ass burned the whole 45-minute drive home. I still feel it, as I sit here and write this, though it's more of an amusing afterthought.

I do wish it had been more of a spanking; I've been feeling like getting thoroughly spanked for awhile. Nonetheless, tonight was fun. I can see why ginger can be evil, very very evil.

Rocks

2009-07-23T22:57:00.000-05:00

There are so many odd euphemisms for orgasm. I must be the only one who finds it strange. (I'm sure I'm the only one who objects to the word cum, as well. I just don't like it, it's an ugly little word. What can I say, I'm strange?)

I was thinking about something I'd read in Constance's blog, in response to a friend laughing at me for having mentioned faking it. (And displaying a rather well-deserved self-confidence in boasting no one with him has ever needed to.)

What the hell is it? I swear orgasms for me are more rare than 2002 NWT Gymboree, or finding a front row parking spot on Black Friday, or a family gift that doesn't involve religion somehow, or making tea and actually remembering its steeping...oh I could go on.

I'm just going to end this little pity part with a virtual pout.
(Also, my finger still hurts. Hmph.)

Memorable phrases, in no particular order, from my conversation with EBE tonight (as he shall hereafter be immortalized):
EBE: One of my favorite quotes from you comes from the Peter era. "Peter's idea of foreplay was lubing the condom."
Me: You should freaking teach classes!
EBE: Attacking the clitoris like a prize fighter from the get-go is so not good.
Me: I'm not quite sure I understand. I think I need a demonstration....
Me: Well, I would be that mean, if I were going down on a girl.
EBE: Immediately following orgasm, back off there sparky!
Me: WTH? How come in the past 10+ years we've never had sex?

Roses and Thorns

2009-07-22T21:14:00.000-05:00

I was helping li'l one pick a flower today. She wanted to pick a rose off our rosebush, and I was trying to explain that you have to be very careful when picking roses. Well, holding her in one arm and trying to pick a rose with the other hand...not such a great idea. I have a thorn stuck in my middle finger now, and it hurts like a bitch. I swear, I have complained more about this than the last 10 spankings I got combined.

Our last session was interesting, to say the least. Ginger has a deserved reputation, I think. Thankfully, my experience with it wasn't very long. It didn't phase me too much, but I was being pretty whiny, which threw him off. (I am very good at whining, but most times I'm just quiet.)

The most interesting was the plug; that almost didn't happen. But once it did, every time he hit/tapped/pushed it, I about hit the roof. (That's an interesting image.) That said, the spanking wasn't even medium in intensity, but I shouldn't complain. Since we broke the paddle, I've decided the belt is much better than a paddle. Now I'm curious what others prefer. All I know is a paddle can have me whimpering pretty quickly, and a belt I can handle for a good amount of time. Although plug + paddle could be interesting.

I need a juicier sex life. :D

Delayed

2009-07-13T21:52:00.000-05:00

Well, weekend enjoyment was postponed. I'm not sure whether to be intrigued, excited, or apprehensive. All I know is it involves a blindfold, ginger and a butt plug.

I've also decided summer should be less muggy so my hair stops looking like a poodle is sitting on my head.

Lazy Days of Summer

2009-07-09T23:28:00.001-05:00

Do these exist? I mean I've heard this phrase countless times, and I have yet to experience ONE lazy day of summer so far. I guess it doesn't help that we're moving, and my li'l one is in summer "school" (meaning they make "art" and play outside all morning). But good grief, I need some down time. Although my idea of down time involves spanking.

Such was promised to me this weekend. He thinks he's stepping it up, we'll see if it happens. I have my doubts. ;)

Kinky Mom

2009-06-19T23:15:00.000-05:00

I ache to remember
all the violent, sweet perfect words that you said.

Eh, why not continue the trend? I'm currently singing Matt Nathanson's "Come On Get Higher" at the top of my lungs. Yes, as I write this. Sad, but true.

I shall be signing divorce papers soon. I celebrated by being spanked for no reason in particular. I've become rather good at giving head while being spanked. Randomness, I know. It's just not something you can exactly brag about in your Mom's Group. Go figure!

The idea amuses me, though. A Mom's Group full of women who discuss where the best place is to hide spanking implements, how to muffle the noise, what to do when your child comes out into the living room while your in-laws are visiting with a bottle of lube that she found hidden in the bottom drawer of your dresser (a Mom's Group friend DID just recently tell this story...). Ah, now that would be a fun Mom's Group.

Nice =/= Good

2009-06-11T00:41:00.002-05:00

And though scary is exciting,
Nice is different than good.

It was more Into the Woods tonight. This time I was blasting it to keep me awake as I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and weaved a pattern through the traffic cones.

I return tired and well-spanked. I will sleep well tonight.

The World You Never Thought To Explore

2009-05-31T23:41:00.000-05:00

And you think of all of the things you've seen,
And you wish that you could live in between.
And you're back again, only different than before...

I was driving along tonight, window rolled down, singing at the top of my lungs to the Into the Woods soundtrack. The quote seemed apropos.

I've been going through a bit of withdrawal lately. I simply haven't had the time to sneak away and indulge in the luxury that whatever-he-is-to-me is. (Whee, mouthful.) I'm a bit stressed with the upcoming trip this week. (9 hour car trip to visit soon-to-be Ex + 1 toddler = STRESS.) So many things I'd love to say, and it would just be a laundry list of bitterness. What fun is that?

My intent was to write a story last night, but someone kept me entertained via chat last night instead. The guilty parties know who they are!

I want a cheapo brand of kinky fiction. Harlequin needs to put one out. Soap Opera porn in writing. Wobbly plot and lots of sex.

Just in case you thought it was safe to post photos online...

2009-05-24T01:28:00.000-05:00

This website had me laughing so hard at 2:30 AM I almost woke the neighbors up.
I especially love the Walrus penis...

Awkward Family Photos

Dichotomy

2009-04-21T10:24:00.000-05:00

There's a duality of sorts in me. If I were of the type that received a text every morning with today's horoscope, I might attribute it to being a Gemini.

There's the side of me that plays video games 'til all hours of the morning, curses like a sailor,"hangs with the guys", takes apart a computer (despite usually letting my brothers do that kind of work, it makes them feel useful), wears OOTS t-shirts on a regular basis, has a Super Mario Brothers keychain and a "Republicans for Voldemort" bumper sticker.

Then there's the side of me that has an overflowing closet of Gymboree clothes for my daughter, is well known for her baking prowess, uses coupons like a maniac with a pantry to prove it, can speak easily with a group of religious zealots, volunteers at preschool, uses naptime to trim the bushes, owns several aprons and has a Chapstick fetish.

So I kind of have to wonder, where the hell does the side of me fit that loves the sound a belt makes as it slides out of the loops and is secretly dying to try nipple clamps? I feel like I have my own underground society. Screw the Geek versus Domestic war that rages on the surface, the pretty braided rope and the wicked-looking paddle with holes are vying for dominion. It's a path so many have taken before, I imagine. How deeply, how intricately, how far do you explore? How much do you let it filter into the other "sides" of you? I long to be at the end of the path and secure in the knowledge of where I stand. But I guess I'll have to settle for enjoying the journey.

I guess if I think about it, enjoying the journey doesn't sound so bad, especially not if there are paddles and nipple clamps involved...

Geekiness

2009-04-21T09:26:00.000-05:00

I added geekcrafts.com to the links...and stumbled upon these beauties:

Now I'm drooling.

Reflections

2009-04-14T23:39:00.000-05:00

I caught myself off-guard the other night.

I was running late to see Mr Spanky (as my good friend calls him, which amuses me to no end). I was about to head out the door, and I realized I had soy milk on my shirt. So I threw on the first thing I found.

I walked out to the car and sighed as I saw my reflection. No one as pale as me should be allowed out of the house in all black. I was wearing black shoes, midnight blue denim jeans and a black t-shirt from Think Geek. Add to that my dark brown/black hair...I looked like a banshee in the moonlight. My lips are also pale-ish, and my eyeshadow was a shimmery neutral tone, a bit too subtle to really impart any color. It was too late to go change, though, so I just filed the mistake under: "things I should know by now".

Especially since the disaster that was my marriage, my self-esteem has been somewhere below non-existant. I hate to admit to being one of the people that has struggled with that for, well, a lifetime, but I am. Anyone who knows my childhood at least understands why, making me seem less needy/whiny hopefully. So truthfully, I'll settle for passable. Heck, some days I'll settle for an outfit that's not got dried Play-Doh or "washable" marker on it and hair that isn't a wild mop of curls in the heady humidity.

I was laying face-down on the bed later that night, mostly naked. He was switching from a rather annoying leather belt to an even more annoying lightweight paddle. I caught a glimpse of myself in the rectangular mirror inlaid in the bookshelf of the headboard.

In that moment, I saw what a lover might find pleasing. Checks now flushed, dark green eyes, hair that shimmered red in the low light that softened the flaws of a body bearing the scars of childbirth. Lost as I was in that moment, the sly, sharp slap of the paddle caught me by surprise. Despite the hiss of breath, my eyes were still locked on my own reflection, and I smiled.

It was a nice moment.

Vicious

2009-04-07T01:02:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is, but when I ovulate I get positively vicious. (Amongst other things, of course.) Add to that a sore ass and I think I might be lucky I still have friends.

I'd previously sworn off men until li'l one was much, much older. I still think that's the wiser course of action. I worry about all the things that could go wrong. Especially if my (soon-to-be-ex) husband wants to throw around in court the whole, "she's kinky and that makes her a bad mother" sort of deal. So I'm constantly feeling caught between being a mother, and trying not to sink so deeply into that particular profession that I lose track of me. It just feels like a relationship with any degree of kink, casual though it may be, is a bad idea. I wish I knew people who'd "been there, done that".

Oh, and here I thought Saint would be amused enough to try and figure out the few lines I quoted him on his voicemail...that's the last time I speak Middle English for him. ;) What a slacker. But he looks yummy with his li'l black hat.

30 Metldown

2009-04-02T23:25:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what exactly happened to my libido, but it is in overdrive. I've always had a relatively healthy (or I guess unhealthy depending on your particular belief system) appetite for sex. But still, I've always been able to flip the off switch.

So it seems a bit ironic that my marriage hasn't existed for 2 years, and that I find myself a single mother with little to no chance for a "meaningful" relationship in the foreseeable future. Heck even if I mentioned the word date my family would flip out, since I am still technically married. (Thankfully they remain blissfully unaware of my extra-curricular activities.)

At the same time that I've stopped caring who of my close friends knows what "floats my boat", that I delve more and more into things that I've long merely fantasized about, so many things I once would never have dreamed of trying that I now find myself a willing participant; at this time, I find myself unable to move forward in any meaningful sense due to where I am in life. I have the intimacy of close friendships and the intimacy of sexual relationships and neither the twain shall meet.

TGI Fridays

2009-04-02T02:33:00.000-05:00

I can't help but giggle every time they send me an email.
"Get more stripes!"

I guess it means something different to me than to them. How ironic that stripes are part of their rewards program. This month is DOUBLE stripes month. ;) How sweet it is...

Meso, Youso

2009-02-01T22:19:00.001-06:00

I remember being a monitor in the Mac lab as a freshman in college, and venturing for the first time into a spanking chat room. (Sweet, the college paid me to learn more about spanking.) I met someone, still a friend, named hrbrusher. Hrmm, there was someone named Tanner, too. I remember not being willing to use a lowercase letter f0r my name, or a "collar" after, which led to some interesting queries from male chatters... :D

It's still hard to finger exactly (I amuse myself too easily) when the majority of my fantasies/interests turned toward something less mundane. I'm always amazed by the people who insist they knew they were spankophiles at an early age. Maybe that's why I had such an unsatisfying sex life as a teenager. :D I always had an interest in it, but hell it was awhile before I figured out what to do with it. ;)

I added two links I knew you'd enjoy, and yum the men are quite lovely eye candy. I remember reading this way back when I had a life sans child: Graydancer and Twisted Monk. The link list is half-full of places I'd rather not have bookmarked in Firefox... ;)

Inveteratist

2009-02-01T22:16:00.001-06:00

I "adopted" inveteratist.

I figured you'd get a kick out of these...

2009-01-29T16:33:00.000-06:00

Of course, I zeroed right in on the "King of Pain" heart. Bless you, Think Geek, bless you. Can I send them to your wife? ;) Just kidding!

"Random" Images from ImageVat

2009-01-28T09:16:00.000-06:00

Knowing your mind is as perverted as mine (if not more so, would be an interesting contest), I thought you might appreciate these "random" images that ImageVat showed me. (Resized for your viewing pleasure.)

Who knew Santa had such an extensive toy collection? Makes you worry about those poor (lucky?) elves. (ImageVat Link)

Just one more reason to love legos... (ImageVat Link)

Used

2009-01-25T01:13:00.001-06:00

you know, people get so hung up on the word used. but when you apply it to things in your life, you realize that the things you don't use are wasted and rust. I want to use you

We now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

2009-01-14T22:52:00.000-06:00

(I normally dislike first person, so this was an attempt at something different...)

She opened the door quietly, sneaking a furtive glance around before slipping inside. Her hand fumbled in the darkness for a light switch, unfamiliar with the layout of the room. His hand grabbed hers instead, pulling her to him, resting his head against hers.

"There's enough light in the room," he murmured, kissing her hair. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she saw him illuminated in the thousands of city lights reflecting off the water and streaming through the half-shuttered window. His hands snaked through her hair, removing the ever-present scrunchie, letting it spill lose over her shoulders and his hands.

She dropped inelegantly to the floor, leaning back against the door, surveying him as crouched down beside her. Time had changed them both. Curves had rounded, voices had mellowed and children had created wrinkles. It was a test of time withstood. She pulled on his shirt, almost toppling him, and his mouth met hers with a sweet ferocity that he found reciprocated. He dropped to his knees, and she fumbled with the simple black buttons on his shirt until he shrugged out of it, and it fell behind him. She pushed against him, taking her time slowly easing him back, pushing him onto the floor, enjoying being the one to survey him from above.

She leaned down to nibble his neck, bracing one hand against him for support, while the other hand found an impertinent nipple and pinched it. She let her fingernail dig in a bit, illiciting a sharp gasp and his hand snaked back through her hair again, pulling her up.

She smiled and sat up a bit, letting one hand find the button on his pants. She had to admit to being rather gratified at the evidence of his arousal, and she motioned him to lift his hips so she could slide pants and briefs down in one fell swoop.

Now it's your turn. ;)

The Dark in the Light

2009-01-13T02:47:00.000-06:00

What was I reading recently, that spoke of how memory changes as you get older? That as you age, the memories of your youth crystalize, and become as vivid and poignant as if they happened yesterday?

I've been dwelling on a particular memory. I can't help but wonder where you are, if life has pleased you, if you ever escaped the odd chains wrapped up in your sexuality. I always have an ace up my sleeve because of you. I can't yet think of a man I've dated who hasn't asked to be told the story of our once tryst, made all the more bittersweet because your memory of it doesn't seem to exist.

I've often wanted to tell you our story, though my reasons are selfish. You were the angelic, blonde-haired golden child. I was the raven-haired, bewitching and bewitched little problem child. You smiled, and offered assistance, and charmed everyone with your grace and beauty. I asked questions, was annoyed when interrupted, and aggravated everyone with my mercurial temperament.

Yet it was your hand that pulled mine. Even now, it seems so odd. You truly were sweet and innocent, I can still remember the stories of your stolen kisses with your first (and only) love. The first time he french-kissed you, you called me and breathlessly gave me every detail. When his hand casually caressed your breast, you agonized with me over what it might mean.

The first time I "made love", a fumbling misadventure in a shallow, bubbling stream at our church's youth camp, I couldn't bring myself to tell you.

I know you remember the beginning of that night, it's a bit of an infamous story for us. How we were babysitting a small brood of children, how their parents gave us free reign of the licquor cabinet. (Honestly, what were they thinking?) I'd never had a drink before, and you'd only recently admitted to your mother illicilty slipping you a taste of champagne.

Oh, the many things we tried. Whiskey, which I still can't touch to this day, and which I described to you as molten lava sliding down my throat. We lined the bottles up, tasting them. We had no idea how to get drunk or if that's where we were aiming. We were heady with the freedom.

Do you at least remember how we collapsed on the rug in the kitchen floor, a few hours after the children were safely tucked in bed, out of the way of our miscreant actions? We were curled up tight, giggling and randomly lasping into a comfortable silence.

Do you remember how your hand found mine, how you placed it softly, and slowly, on your breast? What were you thinking? Did you know what would happen? Did you want it to happen? Were you curious?

I didn't know what to do at first, I was confused. We were best friends, we'd seen every inch of each other multiple times, known each other for years, seen our bodies change many times over. But I'd never actually, purposefully, felt your breast. It was rather lovely, though. Soft, and small. Your breathing was already shallow, and I don't remember breathing at all.

Was it desire, or mortification, that curled up tight and my chest and stomach?

It wasn't long before my hand was under your shirt, and I did so love the feel of your skin. I felt all of you, the slight valley of your stomach, the curves of your breast, the nape of your neck. It was nice to have that power, I do remember. So different from the forced consent in that summer-chilled stream.

My lips soon followed to explore the curves of your stomach, and your hips arched and somehow I knew what you wanted. I barely knew the way around my own body yet, and still I found ways to make your breathing ragged, and draw small, almost silent whimpers from you. The headiness of that power was emboldening, and as your body began to tense and you seemed unsure, I insisted, my hands pinning your hips so I could further pursue what it was you wanted. The only word spoken at all in that underterminable time was "Please," a bare whisper from you as your hand clenched my shoulder and your hips lifted and lifted off the floor.

We laid silently for a few minutes, before you scooted next to me and we curled up together. You made a move to touch me, and I stopped you. Instead, clothing adjustments were made and we again fell to silence on the floor, on that little slip of a rug

I don't know how much longer it was before the parents showed up. I remember not being able to stand on one foot to tie my shoelaces, much to their amusement, I'm sure. I remember stumbling up the stairs and sinking into oblivion in your small room in the corner of your manipulative father's house, before we awoke too short a time later to get ready for church.

To this day, I've yet to let someone else's lips explore below my waist.
Sometimes I wonder if it has to do with missed opportunities.

We never spoke of that day, and you seemed not to remember. I was convinced you didn't, because knowing you I don't think you could have looked me straight in the eye that morning as we put on our dresses for church. Sometimes I wonder, though. What, exactly, do you remember?

We grew apart in the next few years. Not immediately, but you became more your appointed role of the golden child, and I began to fill my shoes as the mischevious rebel. Several years later, our friendship ended abruptly, and to this day I don't know why. My guess would be your father, but I've never truly known. Did you know I cried? I cried, and cried, and cried to my Mother, who was waiting in the church parking lot to pick me up after our appointed activities.

I still wonder what would have happened if we'd remained friends.

Tangled in Desire - Tag

2009-01-06T15:10:00.000-06:00

It is in this moment that your body's winter gushes spring. I see your pupils dilate, your wrist falters under my palm and I imagine the goose bumps on your inner thigh begin to reach from your flesh to mine. Your body begs to be touched and as we melt into each other I know it. I bite your lip and hungrily suck at your kiss, while you take the moment to inhale. Your eyes close again. You don't want to want to be here. You feel the ocean of your desire crashing down on you and it is horrible and unforgiving and frightening and I watch this conflict flash in you until you open your eyes.
We're locked, the moment frozen as you see my kind eyes, knowing you and observing every emotion that your body will confess with awe and reverence. We're everywhere and I keep bringing you back. Memories of our fist kiss shadow your lips. The force of my desire against your sex beckons you. You envision standing in a field of wildflowers and you can feel them tickle between your knees. My hand finds your breast, handling it as though savagery were still the predominate tool of survival. Your mind takes us to the pressure of a waterfall threatening to push us apart in some tropical paradise. Your knees gradually open at my insistence but we roll out of the bed anyway. In your subconscious we zoom as laugh lines dig in and we've let go of all propriety on the floor of a friend’s living room. You're everywhere, your mind finds parallels and I keep forcing you back. I wonder how badly my back will pay for our fall when the adrenaline forces me back on top of you. This time I find myself inside of you quickly, we are a mixture of surprise and surrender.
Your nails dig into my arms and I know what you are asking, that my thrusting should be proportional to that pain. We silently agree and I am suddenly deeply aware that our connection through time and space and pain stems from a need to feel something, anything real. Right now, I feel you. Deep in you and I can feel your secrets spilling out over me and you are beautiful.

Tag.

2008-12-17T13:11:00.000-06:00

Your hand curls around the nape of my neck, forcing my mouth to meet yours. My eyes are clenched shut, and I can feel the reproach in your kiss. I know you want me to look at you, you want to see the green change to blue, the submission in my eyes. I can't, though. I'm just as afraid of what you'll see in my eyes, as what I'll find in yours.

I step back, to try and put some space in between us. My leg comes up hard against the end of the bed, and I feel myself losing my balance. I grasp at your shoulder, and we both fall down on the bed. This was no elegant fall, no cliched movie move. You've practically knocked the air out of me, and when my mouth opens to draw in air, there is your mouth again, demanding. I want to laugh, I want to lighten the mood, but instead find myself gasping against your mouth. You force your knee between my legs, and the insistence finds my stomach tightening.

It's a bit frightening, being confronted with your own desire isn't always pleasant. I open my eyes and frown at you, snaking a leg behind one of yours. You look at me for a moment before laughing. You fit your body to mine, and the evidence of your arousal is oddly soothing.

Did I ever mention I can't write sex scenes? ;)

A Light in the Darkness

2008-12-09T16:09:00.000-06:00

It was alarming, the scent was overpowering and was lightening in my nostrils, the kind that punches your cognizance. It immediately stopped as my conciousness trickled back. I blinked twice in vain hoping to shake the darkness from behind my lids. The faint glow of red that assures me that its day and my eyes are merely closed was absent and the second blink felt my lashes curl back into my eye. I shut them tight and sucked in a breath of surprise. I could breathe, in fact the air had the distant but pleasant traces of vanilla and lavender, but it was not a breath unhindered. I tasted cotton, and took inventory. I was on my back, formerly relaxed, with cotton over my head, probably my black pillow case. My hands were apparently convincingly bound at my half hearted effort to pull them toward me and up to the pillow which was now truthfully fulfilling its purpose of keeping my eyes closed with comfort. My alarm intensified when I realized that there was a gentle but determined suckle on my flaccid member. I had been here before, and I realized his was a game that I was currently losing. Inverse to my waning alarm my excitement grew exponentially into her mouth. I laughed to myself, "Early bird," I said.

She didn't bother to stop; being witty at a time like this was a mental play but didn't put any points on the board. She knew what she was doing, luckily, we don't score points so easily in this position. I'm not a Sub and she's not a Dom, but it’s only fair that the principals share parts, it lends itself to a fantasic perspective.

To be continued...

The Pros and the Cons.

2008-11-27T05:35:00.001-06:00

There are advantages to having this kind of a relationship. (Or so I tell myself.) The ability to play over in my mind endless scenarios of the first time we might meet is enticing...15 years in the making. I'm smiling, thinking about us as teenagers. We were so young, so immature, so sure of ourselves. Is it odd that I'm less sure of myself as I approach 30, than I was at 15? I knew who I was at 15. I'd like to think that since then my personality has deepened, mellowed. Boundaries have blurred and corridors widened.

Just know I'm thinking of you, as I finish picking up the toys that litter the living room and head to bed. In a few minutes I'll be snuggled under my covers, and I know that one of the things I'll be pondering is you.

Write me a story.

2008-11-25T07:02:00.000-06:00

You do it so well.
Please?

Punished Again

2008-11-24T16:09:00.000-06:00

If I'd ever heard the sirens in Homer's Odyssey, I might know a desire as strong as your voice and your intellect draws me not into your net, but instead begs for hot flesh and sore symphonies on your back. I look forward to soothing that pain, as ritual and comfort lap at the wounds of your furious discipline.

Things I want to tell you...

2008-11-24T15:30:00.000-06:00

I always hear in my mind, your voice whispering, "I think you underestimate my desire to punish you." Even now, just typing it, it still has the power to make me tingle and shift in my chair.