The Onion

This one cracked me up: Nation's Nipples Severely Under-Clamped, U.S. Bureau of Masochism reports.

Though disconcerting to many, the Masochism Bureau's findings regarding nipple-abuse were not unexpected. Hooded sources confirmed the cruelty of erotically charged acts has dropped sharply in the past decade, which has also seen declines in the overall use of bondage gear, the tightness of leather harnesses, and the number of instances of naked, dominated citizens screaming out in delight while being flogged repeatedly against the hindquarters.

The use of hot, ripe eggplants has also reportedly fallen off.nipples